It Is What it Is....

Modesty, or Sexualization?

2009-08-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

What is upsetting me about all the talk on modesty over the internets, blogosphere, etc is that it makes it seem like it is a SHAME for a woman to have breasts, legs, and curves. The over-talk about the very issue of modesty actually SEXUALIZES it. When people need to tell or teach women incessantly about their fashion of dress, this can make the women feel guilt simply because she is created physically like a woman. The other extreme is dressing overtly sensual (deliberate, with willful intent...and who decides that??!!!?). BOTH HARM PEOPLE. Equally. When I was ready, God figured it out for me. When I over- scrutinize my dress, I am shaming myself. I am not trusting God to give me sound mind that can dress myself. We sometimes, in my opinion only, take the 'older women should teach the younger' and 'speak the truth in love' way overboard, to the point that it becomes all we want to do anymore! And the worst part of it is we mask it as LOVING EACH OTHER, and OBEYING TRUTH, and SERVING GOD and NOT MAN, when much can be said for BEING CONTROLLING AND AFRAID AND PRIDEFUL as the real hidden motivations behind this. I know this to be true, because many have been saved from that (like ME) and now speak out about it. Sometimdes, I am chastised for having gone too far the other extreme. But I would rather a person move becaaue God said MOVE, and that they can retain their dignity by following God, and trusting Him to do that for them, and not man's prideful words. For that person, becomes an "owned" faith then...when God is *the* only motivation. Sometimes, less is more; I have found out the less I try and figure out, and the less I try to read in things, the clearer it becomes for me. Now for me, *THAT is grace.

Oh, one more thing that came to me. When I was ayounger Christian (22ish), I used to judge women who dressed a certain way (maybe because I dressed that way in my rebel years??). I used to think THEY were the one with the 'problem.' One day I woke up, my whole foundation crashing, and realized: IT WAS I WHO HAD THE PROBLEM. Isnt it more accurate to say when we are truly that roused, worked up and ashamed of women's dress to say, *we* are the ones with the problem? God never asked me to be his 'modesty instructor', and he didnt ever tell me He could not take care of the issue by himself. Interestingly, in Britain's church setting, modesty means showy in a prideful or bragging way. Flamboyant; drawing attention to oneself. Some of them think we are screwy with the way we make such a big deal out of clothing, or not. Women get way less plastic surgery over there, and men and women arent as obsessed with LARGE breasts as they are here. I am not deeming Bristish christian culture on the mark, I am merely saying that perhaps American Christianity has it messed up as much as any other society.

Thanks for listening; God Bless.
August 1, 2009 10:44 AM

Who Says? Says who?

2009-07-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

It is a shame that sometimes life gets busy, because I have had numerous, ample cerebral musings where I have typed out blog posts in my mind, yet they never reached the ink-meets-blog-paper stage. Perhaps one day those reflections will ressucitate themselves, and you will find yourselves privy to my insane battle with theology, doctrine, and life as it *IS*.

To continue, I've though much about my counselor lately, and my counseling experience as a whole. It is bad enough that my counselor would fall perhaps more under the guise of secular counseling. It is damning to all hell, maybe, in the eyes of some Christians that my counselor is male.

And, yes, he shuts the door when we counsel, so that others sitting in the waiting room can't hear all about my pathetic life. (Kidding.....KIDDING...on the 'pathetic life' part;).

This is not even my first MALE counselor, it is my second. Having had a small plethora (is that such a thing? It sounds cool, anyway) of counselors.....let me count.....ok, 6.....the last two do not advertise themselves as 'biblical' counselors, both males. I know both personally, so they do have relationships with God....and believe in the propitiation of Jesus. I also know they have used methods and ways that would make many Christians cringe, myself intially included.

I recall my counselor Wayne once saying to me that I did not trust anyone, and that I used God as my crutch, and to hide behind. He also waited ONE YEAR OF FREE COUNSELING for me to decide I could trust him. Wayne deserves a bronzed star on his head when he gets to Heaven. This man didn't even know me. He just thought he could help me.

Fast forward to Steve, therapist #6; qualified therapist #2. Steve and his partner Diane run a practice, and they have real certifications and stuff. They run on sliding scale fees and have no problemo offering me the $35-per-session- plan, out of the possibility of $75 (which if you know anything about counseling, even the $75 a FULL hour is really quite cheap in 2009!). I interview Diane, and at the end of my complimentary session, she tells me she feels quite confident that she can help me. I ask if she knows anything about the other counselor, Steve, and what specialties is he accredited with? We get to talking, Diane and I, and I also reveal to her, though I do not know if for certain it is even important....that my last counselor felt I had issues with males in my life, and that it may be good for me to counsel with a male. She offers me a complimentary counsel session with Steve. I think, "Boy, I am REALLY getting my money's worth here!". Later that week I meet Steve, and at the end of my session with him, I am convinced of one thing: "who cares who I get. They both seemed great." I rest and let it in Gods terrain.

I realize I am probably getting assigned Diane, esp since Steve took offense to my re-itterating of my last counselor's thoughts on me continuing with a male counselor. He scoffed at that advice, claiming, "Diane is a VERY gifted and capable counselor!" and that the first counselor did me quite a 'disservice' when he told me I needed a male. I kinda still get a kick outta that, I dont know why....hahaha...SOOOOO...Stevo it is. Steve calls to tell me I will be seeing him at 2pm next Thursday; apparently Diane is tidying up her last classes for her doctorate.

It is a year later, and I do feel that it has not harmed myself, or Steve, or anyone that I was paired up with a male counselor. The truth is, the blinds have been snapped up at yet again another faulty doctrine I was taught as a wee Christian babe: Thou Shalt Not Be Alone in Presence of Any Male Other Than Thy Father, Brother, or Husband.

You know, it is liberating to realize you truly may not really lust, have perverted thoughts, or cause men to rape you emotionally or physically. You may be needy and still not cross the line. You may have father issues, and long for the listening ear of a man, and still not act on it. You are human, normal, and even capable. Then when you realize this truth, you can tell your daughter that she isn't a woman given over to a sensual spirit just because she talks alone with another man. In other words, you can pass this truth onto your children.

Two consenting, responsible, and capable adults can handle being in each others presence, and not be overwhelmed with thinking, "something could happen! EEEEK!" I have found it even HEALING to have been allowed to speak with men as brothers, friends, etc. as it creates a path for me to receive validation and acceptance by a man, and learn that men CAN be trusted. I had many poor role models growing up, and to let myself receive grace
and be healed by the brothers I have, has come in forms of talking to them on the phone, on the school playground while waiting for my kids, hanging outside church yakking.

We are only told to run or flee when the person is grabbing for you (like the story of Joseph)....we dont need to run unecessarily just because we are alone with a man. I honestly think we give ourselves way too much power. I mean, by all means if we have a temptation-we need to deal with it-but it isnt healthy to create shame and forsake all members of the opposite sex because we were taught we will automatically be placing ourselves in a temptuous sitatuation...in my opinion, that is hyper-sexual thinking. Which is, coincidentally, the real and BIGGER issue.

I Do Not Like Them, Sam-I-Am, I Do Not Like BlogLords and Ham.

2009-05-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

Blog Lords. My new, not-so-nice terminology for people who blog about The Right Way. If you dont do things The Right Way, you are doing them The Wrong Way, by default. It doesnt matter if you are doing them mostly the right way....because if you are, surely you are deceived, blinded, in denial, or full of sin.... Blog Lords give lip service to being full of sin themselves, but they are just words through wires, cause if pushed to the point of breakdown, a Blog Lord will tell you the Finite Truth of the matter-and they know much about all matters. So you will never convince a Blog Lord of much else. Even if they do sin, Blog Lords know, without error or interpretation (Blog Lords dont need 'interpretation'; they understand things a more phonomenal matter than Mostoftherestofus, and Mostoftherestofus just "dont get it") the plain and simple truth of a wide variety of subjects. They know the final truth on everything, but its only because God Said So. So, a Blog Lord doenst even take responsibility for their own thoughts, desires, or inate state of beinghood, its all pointed back at God. Yes people, you can scapegoat God (I know; Ive done it...sometimes dont even think im finished yet!). The point is, Blog Lords understand the Truth in a way Mostoftherestofus simply cant. Mostoftherestofus have been fooled, tricked, and simply dont care enough as Blog Lords, because we have not done our homework. Blog Lords themselves provoke shame and guilt in Mostoftherestofus, but swear they dont, and that Mostoftherestofus just cant see straight. BlogLords feel sorry for us. We dont hold the same serious standards they do, nor do we ever think about such things, because Mostoftherestofus are too busy leisurely, without a care, swimming downsea. Mostoftherestofus may call ourselves conservatives, but really, according to Blog Lord Status, we would be more liberal. Someoftherestofus may copy practices that Blog Lords do...like homeschooling or no birth control, but it still isnt Blog Lordious in nature, because of well.....interpretation. Someoftherestofus dont homsechool with the same dignity, fervor, or motives that Blog Lords do. We just arent up to par with BlogLordia.

If Mostoftherestofus hang around BlogLord land too often, we may find ourselves restless, playing double conscience games, mentally exhausted, and given to shame. Mostoftherestofus may even begin to start questioning our Heritage. But the Blog Lords will assure this is ok, because first and foremost it is the Blog Lords responsibility, and an insuperable one at that-to speak the truth regardless I REPEAT regardless of what it means or does to Mostoftherestofus, becasue BlogLords are devout and completely devoted to God, and Mostoftherestofus sometimes get in the way. Unfortunately, many Blog Lords *ARE* really Mostoftherestofus, so they are doing this to themselves as well, though that wont be detected until Time Of Nervous Breakdown-when The Blog Lord realizes they are a Blog Lord and identifies with Being a Blog Lord and looks their Blog Lord Self in the eye for who they have become (NOT who they *are*). Shame, guilt, and even nauseousness can be felt often after surfing the Blog Lord Network-a conglomerate of Blog Lord owners who play connect-the-blogs with each other, building the power of BlogLordMania.

Blog Lords will criticize, kick you off their blog, delete or control posts of Mostoftherestofus, even though other chosen BlogLord suscribers are able to put down, resort to sarcasm, resort to laughing, name-calling, and shame and fear-based tactics to the acceptance of the BlogLord's blog comment policy without question. Instead of calling each other out on this pratice, BlogLords in this instance, wont obey the truth and hold someone accountable....because once again, The Truth is only perfectly interpreted by the BlogLord, so its all good.

Blog Lords know what is best for your life, so Mostoftherestofus should listen to them. After all, Bloglords have good points. BlogLords never twist the truth. Only Mostoftherestofus resort to that. So, I am here to inform Mostoftherestofus that you thought your life was given to you, along with your conscience and individually-prescribed path to life, but this just isnt so...it was given to YES, you guessed it....BlogLords. If in doubt, ask a BlogLord. If you dont know an answer, the BlogLord *will* know it....at the drop of some chat ink, no less. BlogLords are like Assistant to God...so youd best adhere, or be shamed forever and ever, Amen.

BlogLords rarely mention the word JESUS or there real day to day weaknesses in any other area than motherhood, homeschooling, or religion. Talking about relationships is obscure to BlogLords. If Mostoftherestofus talk about preferences, individual leadings, personal conviction, or are on some other path (which we by the way didnt take ourselves down in the first place), this doesnt sit well with the BlogLords and they feel it is their duties to call Mostoftherestofus out on it. Mostoftherestofus walk away sometimes, with our heads down in shame...and very alone.

A Verysmallpercentageofus have moved out of BlogLordia, and went to live over in IdontknowwhereiamrightnowbutGodputmehereforsomereason. It is a great place, but I dont know whats on the agenda today, because the agenda got thrown in the trash can....and the trash collector arrives hourly. It is a confusing place at times, other times crystal clear, but overall its shiny, pretty, peaceful, humorous, tender, accepting, authentic, raw, awkward, obscure, dark, light, healing, and good. It is many other things, but it changes by the minute. This Verysmallpercentageofus may not be here forever; we now know that at any given moment we may have to move to Anothernewplacethatwedidntchoosetogo, but we now know we dont need to know when that is, because we now trust that Thingshappenforareason, and the healing and wholeness we have received for even staying more than one day in IdontknowwhereiamrightnowbutGodputmehereforeason has convinced us that we are always gonna be Safenomatterwhat even if we read "The Celestine Prophecy", use a condom, watch a rated R movie, get our belly button pierced, listen to a female preach, or skip church for 3 years. A Verysmallpercentageofus know this because we actually *did* these things and unexplicably grew with God anyway, and know God better today even though it doesnt make sense......

What is really sad is, you can lead a BlogLord to water, but you cannot make him drink.

Drinking The Mystery Potion and Going To Hell In A Holey Handbasket,
Yours Truly,

A-former-BlogLord-turned-Averysmallpercentageofus

"It Is Finished"

2009-04-30T19:42:00.000-07:00

I am wondering what your interpretation of Jesus's last words uttered on the cross, "It is finished', is? Could you share with me? I am meditating on this.

The isms of Legalism

2009-03-26T18:55:00.001-07:00

This article keeps it simple in summing up some of how I view legalism. I was not a Church of Christ member, but this site had a message board for those coming out of the Church of Christ, and it fit me, so I spent much time there trying to heal from the toxic spirituality that nearly ate me alive:

http://www.freedomsring.org/isms.html

Enjoy!

Perhaps I am "Progressive"...

2009-03-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Christianity portal
Progressive Christianity is the name given to a movement within contemporary Protestant Christianity characterized by willingness to question tradition, acceptance of human diversity (including the affirmation of gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender people), strong emphasis on social justice or care for the poor and the oppressed (see Minority groups and environmental stewardship of the earth. Progressive Christians have a deep belief in the centrality of the instruction to "love one another" (John 15:17) within the teaching of Jesus Christ. This leads to a focus on compassion, promoting justice and mercy, and working towards solving the societal problems of poverty, discrimination, and environmental issues.
This movement is by no means the only significant movement of progressive thought among Christians (see the 'See also' links below), but it is currently a focus of such issues in many parts of the world.
In recent years the term Progressive Christianity has been used interchangeably with the term Liberal Christianity. Some argue that Progressive Christians are theologically distinct from liberal Christian thought, in that Progressive Christianity draws on the insights of multiple theological streams including: 19th century evangelicalism, 19th and early 20th century Christian liberalism, 20th century neo-orthodoxy, and late 20th and 21st century liberation theology. [1]. Perhaps the most comprehensive statement of a progressive Christian point of view is "Progressive Christian Beliefs: An Introduction..." found at http://progressivetheology.wordpress.com, by Delwin Brown, apparently a reformed liberal theologian. While it frequently takes stands on the liberal side of the ideological spectrum, it should be noted that progressive Christianity is not necessarily synonymous with political liberalism.
The characteristics of Progressive Christianity, and its distinction from Liberal Christianity, have been articulated in an article [2] by Hal Taussig. These can be summarized as:
A spiritual vitality and expressiveness, including participatory, arts-infused, and lively worship as well as a variety of spiritual rituals and practices such as meditation
Intellectual integrity including a willingness to question
An affirmation of human diversity
An affirmation of the Christian faith with a simultaneous sincere respect for other faiths
Strong ecological concerns and commitments
Social justice commitments
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps I fit into this 'label', if you will, with possibly leaving out the super-interest in Ecology (though I do belong to Freecycle.org! 3 cheers for free stuff!)

I dont bandwagon, and I dont fit into any 'groups', nor do I care to. But I do find it interesting how many in the world do fit into a group, and so I strive to learn about it and see where I am similar in my theology, and where I differ. I enjoy learning about cultures and different belief systems. I like understanding people.

I would highlight on the *compassion* aspect of Progressive Christianity, and accepting others as they are (Just like Jesus did!) I relate to the oppressed and poor, whether spiritually, emotionally, economically.

My posts are all over the place. I would really like to stay on one subject and dig deeper into it. And I really need a working camera so I can show my mosiacs and crafts.......as well as get ideas for my outside disaster area. *sigh*

Attraction Rather Than Promotion

2009-03-22T20:05:00.001-07:00

I was reading up on an Al-Anon concept. Here, it begins with Step 12, then goes into Tradition 11, to expound on the concept of "attraction rather than promotion". For those who do not know, Al-Anon has 12 *steps*, 12 *traditions*, and 12 *concepts*....

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Step Twelve

Having had a spiritual awakening as the
result of these steps, we tried to carry this
message to others, and to practice these
principles in all our affairs.
This Step summarizes the entire Al-Anon program.
Simply stated, it encourages us to share the
Al-Anon message as we continue to practice the
principles of the program on an ongoing basis.
Though we may feel eager to let others know
how the program has worked in our lives, there
is yet another step we need to take before forging
ahead—we need to determine how to carry the
message within Al-Anon’s Traditions.

Attracting

Tradition Eleven

Our public relations policy is based on
attraction rather than promotion; we need
always maintain personal anonymity at
the level of press, radio, films, and TV. We
need guard with special care the anonymity
of all AA members.
Tradition Eleven provides a meaningful road
map; by following it we become ready to carry
Al-Anon’s message outside of our group.
We begin by reaching out to the public through
the media and the professional community to let
them know that Al-Anon/Alateen exists as a valuable
resource for families and friends of alcoholics.
Tradition Eleven states that our public relations
policy is based on attraction rather than promotion.
So what’s the difference?
What is “Attraction”?
In Al-Anon, attraction means we share how the
program works for us and how it can work for others.
We attract when we convey that Al-Anon and
Alateen groups are friendly and inviting to all.
Attraction is drawing others to us by reflecting
positive qualities. Means of attraction include:

*providing information

• Generating goodwill
• Cooperating with professionals and the media
• Explaining how Al-Anon/Alateen works in
our lives
What is “Promotion”?
If we “promote,” we no longer merely exhibit our
value and worth; instead, we are in a “selling” mode
that may result in resistance rather than encourage
the attraction of new members. Promotion means:
• Using “pressure tactics”—not taking “no” for
an answer.
• Making promises.
• Comparing ourselves to self-help or professional
programs for families.
• Exaggerating or misrepresenting Al-Anon’s
purpose; that we can help everyone.
• Presenting ourselves as a spokesperson for
Al-Anon Family Groups, by allowing our full
name, face, and membership to be identified at
the level of press, radio, TV, Internet, and film.

--------------------------------------------------------------

I kinda admire the concept spoken of here. Its explained in greater detail here than usually spoken about in the "rooms". Its normally spoken of that we dont push people, we hope that they will see something in us that they want to have,..... whether that be sobriety in body, healthy in mind, stable in emotion, or healed in the spirit.

When I was in my toxic christianity, I could be controlling in that I had the weight of the world on my shoulders, or at least thought I did. Therefore, it was easy to excuse away that I was looking out for people when I pushed Jesus on them, albeit in ways not always easily detected or implied by myself. I wont say I really wasnt ocncerned for people; I was....but my motives could not have been pure, or else I wouldnt have found it so difficult to live and let live, and simutaneously find that a beautiful, peaceful, and serene thing.

I find that now that I reside on the post-legalist side of my life, I still can have a tendency to promote my ideas or convictions, rather than attract by how I simply live, speak, and think. I have good intentions in that I want to promote unity, and not conformity; diversity, and not uniformity. But is that my job? I am possibly just supposed to live in unity, and allow for diversity.....and let others work out for themselves their own salvation. It allows space for people to breathe, and it makes room for them to birth their own path of discovery, and to hear from God their own prescription. I think I am to be there when requested or called on, but not develop a doctrine for all people. To point toward goodness, loveliness, and Jesus.....but not use a finger when doing so.

I am wondering what all your thoughts are. I do not desire to promote Jesus, but to attract for Him, without perhaps using so much energy. It is a nice thought.

I heart The Enneagram

2009-03-22T07:52:00.000-07:00

And you should too. Just TRUST me. :)

About 2 years ago I was introduced to The Enneagram. Unlike other personality 'tests', it is fluid and all-encompassing of you as a person. Imagine a rainbow, with differing hues....your personality, mind, heart, gut, passions, etc......stretching out like an amoeba, in the Big Circle (no, Im not New Age..lol). When you are doing healthy, you the amoeba moves this-a-way; when unhealthy it moves that-a-way. As you grow and mature, you the amoeba moves again. You are constantly changing. You dont stay the same, and if you do, quite likely you are dead, in a mental hospital, or stagnant and lifeless.

The Enneagram is a spiritual tool from a looooong time ago. I am not 100% clear on the history, and there are differing opinions on the matter so Im going to gloss over that for now. I am studying it though.

What I can say is the weaknesses or portions of my personality that others have often scruntinized, judged, or otherwise frowned upon, now sit AOK with me. The Enneagram validated much for me. I am not longer ashamed of my personality or quirks, or even my passionate or sensual side. In short, understanding myself with the tool of The Enneagram, has healed me, and is aiding me in overcoming. I suppose my brain needed something concrete to bridge about who God says I am, with the everyday actualness of what I see in myself.

I am not very good at describing the point I desire to impress upon you about how completely nifty The Enneagram is. But, Id like to include a FREE link to take the test to see what "type" you are....there will be a description afterward about your type. Once you know your type you can google that and find even more info, depthwise, on yoru type. Just remember no 'type' fits into a box. We all have a little bit of the 9 types within us, though one usually dominates and therein you can someitmes locate your underlying strugglesome areas. And not feel *guilty* about that knowledge, but ENCOURAGED. (the second shorter test on this page is fun, too. It helps you figure out your instinctual type, within your number type. "sexual' does not mean sexual here; it is moreso how you relate to others and yourself. It doesnt mean you are a harlot or gigolo at heart....lol!)

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test.php

Oh, how I *heart* the Enneagram.

In one of my future posts, after a few have taken the test, I will put up my type, and yak on about what knowing this has done for me. :)

2009-03-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

The Full Version of the Serenity Prayer

God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking,
as He did,
this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.

Attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr

We Are In A Recession

2009-03-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

We are in a recession. I guess when countries are in a recession........the people can be seen at the malls, liquor store, nail salons, bars, car lots, furniture stores, and movie rental places.

And those of us that never frequented those places in the first place, probably dont even realize we are in a recession.

Carrying One Another's Burdens

2009-03-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Excuse me whilst I rant on about my dismal assessment of todays Church. Someone once told me I better be careful when speaking of Christ's Bride....so maybe I should say what I am really trying to understand here, is how is the institution of the church carrying its brothers and sisters burdens?

Maybe the problem, is we depend too much on that aspect of the church that seems, well..institutionalized.

Taking a break form church, and even the Bible (I'll call it FASTING)....due to toxic religion I became infected with.....really aided me in being able to just sit, examine myself.....and observe. Observe the world. Observe people. Observe myself. And meditate on such things.

Right now, my husband is on like his 40th leg of overcoming an issue in his life. He has climbed, fell down, climbed, fell down.......and so on, and so on. People get tired of others falling down so much. Its a nuisance, its dirty, and well, sometimes when you try to pick them up....it hurts, and breaks your back a little, too. Ive often encountered people who pick others up. Then the hurting soul is left to wobble. Or, sometimes a guide will stand close by to help that person when they begin to wobble, or get topsy-turvy. Once, in my husbands life, he had a man do this for like 6 months, DAILY. What a sacrifice that man made. I am not saying others who give portions of help arent really fulfilling their christian duty....sometimes there are seasons for people, or reasons higher than understanding...as to why someone cannot help. Understood. But in general, I see so many 'programs' and 'classes' at church. Do they truly help people? In my life, or at least my geographical location, I have not seen programs to be such a great help in carry one anothers burdens.

I recently began attending a Moravian church up the road from me. It is everything i was originally taught (in my Old Life ....aka..toxic religion) is essentially as close to heathen as Judas. Woman preacher, contemporary music, fundraisers, one service a week....blah blah blah. I end up loving the community. Wow. Ive missed out on so much...and what Big Arms God has. I really dont care so much about the this-n-thats of their doctrine, cqause Ive never met any two people in thw world who share the same tedious doctrine anyway. I just go, sing, listen, sit, and sing some more. The only new question I have for any assembly of believers to see if their *institution* will be worthy to me, or I to it....is this: Does it draw me close to God, and keep doing so? Yeah, thats my only prenuptual agreement. Im easy. Well, Im easy NOW.

So, I told myself....no bible studies. No offerings. No commitments. No membership. Im not even reading their doctrine. I dont care. I really dont. I am just going to sit still, and breathe it all in. So far, my breathing is going beautifully well. Its refreshing. *I* am being refreshed. Cleansed. Healed. Healed, and doing nothing. What a concept.

Ok. I lied. There is another prerequisite. Do they tangibly help people? Do they care? Do they seek to touch others lives in a very REAL way? Do they love AS they love themselves, or just a little bit lower than themselves? Do they hold 3 bible studies a week, but not know how to hold someone accountable? Do they hold the business meeting in a timely, orderly fashion, but dont know how to help the porn addict? Do they serve the luncheons effortlessly, but not know how to invite and become intimate with other human beings? Do they work the nursery faithfully, but not know how to suffer with those who suffer?

I feel like I sound cruel. And Judgmental. Maybe I am. It just bothers me that I dont see so much 'sticking necks out for each other' as I do attendance for the latest and greatest bible/book study.

Maybe my husband needed to be abandoned. Maybe he needs to be alone for awhile, I dont know. I just know that it is sad when I see so many oppressed, broken, wounded, hurting people who have NO ONE coming alongside them. Today in church, as many other weeks, I hear the prayer requests of every illness, virus, cancer, and blow of the nose out there. No one requested prayer for emotional issues. Behavioral issues. Loneliness. Lostness. Damaged self-worth. A bad relationship. NOTHING. Im not minimizing sickness. I just would hope to hear someones true inner pain. The pain in the heart....crying out for that person to 'come alongside.....'.

So, Im not joining any groups. I find there is way too much overhead and leading...and I lose my authentic callings from God. Too many assigned things to do at church., leaves me no room for the spontaneous trials that God so readily brings to my life. So, I help people as they cross my path. I try my best to be open. Im sure, somehwere, out there, someone has gripes against me not helping them, not being there. Ive failed. I really have. Im still failing. I just want it to get better. So....money......its going stright to the people I think who need it. That *is* my offering. I listen to people. I help them with things. I have friends who are Christian and who arent...I have aquaintances who are and who arent. So I figure Im reaching out to the world, and still serving The Church.

This post is all over the place. Ill just close with, its great to have gotten to somewhat of a place where I just want to be there for people. Even if gthey are not there for me. Its ok. But I wont waste any more time in activities that dont directly and tangibly help people with their most needy needs. Isnt that why God came here?

Disposable.

2009-02-24T07:46:00.002-08:00

It is one of the feelings I have that is most painful. Being disposable.

I know that I am not truly disposable, In Gods eyes, and in the end, that is really all that matters. Actually, for today, this moment, that is all that matters. But, sigh......

We must live with people in this world, and it really helps to have good relationships. It is a gift. A reward. A blessing.

Often, in the past year, ive encountered rejection. Ive encountered abandonment. But the word 'disposable'....seems to better encompass what I really feel. Sometiems people abandon us, by no fault of their own....its just that they have their own issues and need to sort those out. Sometimes we feel abandoned, yet the person had no intention to cause us feelings of abandonment-yet due to old residual issues, we associate our feelings of abandonment WITH a certains persons actions' toward us. Disposable.infers otherwise. It sends a message...."I dont need you" "I dont want you" " I dont care" or even just silence, and ultimately, forgetting. Just forgetting you exist.

To me, that is the worst pain of all. Being forgotten. Not a thought about you. Not a concern for you. The history of the relationship, matters not. The memories, wiped from the vault of their mind. Just G O N E .....gone. Saying goodbye, or not even saying goodbye....essentially saying, "It doesnt bother me to not know you anymore".

While in my head I know God never will dispose of me, living with people who DO do this, does make it difficult to know and trust God, for me. I mean, I BELIEVE him, but the feelings still come. They cause pain; deep inner turmoil. God desired to show his love THROUGH people....and when we dont do that, it appears we misrepresent the true face of God, to the world. How serious this is, when I truly sit still and ponder on it.

Maybe seeing how God doesnt work, helps us understand better how he DOES work. Maybe the state of disposability, to others, is a paradox to God....drawing a picture of what He is not, so when we do see or sense him in another, we recognize it. And feel prized.

Dealing With Feelings....

2009-02-23T13:10:00.000-08:00

Today, at some point in the day, I found myself feeling rather melancholy. Somewhat depressed.

In The Olden Days, I would have reasoned with myself. I would have prayed hard, for the depression to go away. I would have grabbed my Blessing Book and forced myself to think of the many blessings I have, this very day. I would have strategically pulled out bible verses to combat my depression.

In The Newer Days, I dont do that. It didnt seem to help anyway, other than sharing my grief with God. Today, I try to remain open. I think a bit about why I might feel depressed, but if I come up with nada, I move on with my day. I dont feel guilty about feeling yucky. I dont chatise myself. The only thing I really do, proactively, sometimes, is rehearse in my head the things I am grateful I have. The feelings usually remain and need to run their course, so I no longer deny them that space inside me. I do *try* to not act out on them though, especially with anger. Depression.....ah, I dont care much if my kids see me depressed. Its life. A day here or there wont kill them, or drive them away from God. Mostly, I just sit still with the feeling. I dont encourage it, but neither do I detest it, or fight it.

Fighting it, anymore, seems to simply be to ACCEPT it. That *IS* the fight. Just letting it be. At least for me, today, as I know it.

Is experience truth?

2009-02-23T09:24:00.000-08:00

Is it?

I believe that indeed, it is a component of truth. In the last few years, I have been on a journey, and have made several observations....many including the fact that my old love of fundamentalism, does not give much room for life experience. It is not often allowed to be encompassed in Absolute Truth.

This doesnt really jive with life. Not my life anyway. Life experience *is* reality. It *is* happening. You live, you learn. You go through problems and issues your whole life long. My experience, being a daughter of a creator.....is a huge deal. If my life up until Ive lived in today has no basis in truth, then what is it? What was the point?

I think there is a lot of fear, that if 'experience' is made to count toward TRUTH, that somehow we will let TRUTH be rewritten. Or watered down. Contaminated.

I feel the opposite. I think when experience is eliminated completely from truth...it is no longer alive. God chose to reveal the truth, today, through people. People, who live lives. People who have personalities. People who have quirks. Sicknesses. Trials. Devastations. Idiosyncrasies. People of differing cultural, behavioral, and familial backround. Diversity.

I am not elevating experience to truth. I am merely musing that experience, the human experience, the manifestation of truth being expressed and lived out through human beings, matters. To completely separate any experience from truth, makes truth now false.

This is only my opinion....always re-thinking things and reorganizing my boundaries on these subjects; ever growing ....

"Little Bunny Foo-Foo....."

2008-11-09T22:38:00.000-08:00

aint lying in the forest......he is 15 miles away at Quakertown Vet Clinic, where I took him at 11pm tonight.

A few weeks ago, I acted impulsively. I walked into a pet store nearby, to purchase bedding for my girls 3 hamsters.......and walked by a lonesome bunny. I know he was lonesome....and he needed me. He was $28.99, which was too expensive. I walked out with him anyway. No cage, no food. Nothing but a feeling of peace...that it would all work out.

And, it did. Within 3 hours I had a cage, and approximately 6 hours later had not only a water bottle and hay, but the real good bunny food....with alfapha and stuff. I sometimes wonder if people feel sorry for me....free stuff just rolls my way. Anyway, when i know if this bunny has a girly-part or a boy-part, Ill name it. For now, its just "bunny". He loves me and I love him. He was chosen, and I told my girls RIGHT AWAY that bunny is *my* pet. I love to watch the bunnies and squirrels outside my home. Little things delight me.......nature awes me. If they sold squirrels at the pet store, heck, Id have them too.

Fast forward to 3 days ago. Returned to same pet store, this time for more bunny food. Oh no....another lonesome bunny. No other bunnies to see, or play with. Then I think about Bunny #1, and what a wretched, completely wretched life it will be for him to NEVER see in any way, shape, or form, any living creature that is like him......a bunny. So, I walk out with another bunny.

So sweet....the girl at the store had a difficult time retrieving the rabbit as it was skiddish and shy....kicking and scratching.......but, first time I held it, it closed its eyes.....and rested in my arms.......plus it was the same color as the wild rabbits I see outside, 'bunny' brown.....we were in love.

But, little guy (or girl) hasnt eaten well, or been using the potty..I figured it was stress, from being moved about so much in recent weeks...as I learned (the hard way) happens to hamsters. But, apparently, he was sick when I purchased him, says the vet tonight....and will probably die. I cried.

Yeah, cried. For a minute I thought, "Your family and friends, not to mention any onlookers, would think you've lost it...its a freaking RABBIT." But he was MY rabbit. I CHOSE him. and within 2 minutes, I LOVED him. The cats....the hamsters........yeah yeah, they're nice and all. But *I* picked this bunny...I love Bunny #1, too.....he is sweet.....but this bunny was docile, peaceful, timid. He was the kind you want to take care of, protect. And now he is lethargic, sick, dying.

So I thought about why on earth would I spend that kind of money, that late on a sunday night, 30 miles away from home?.....why?because the bunny had life, and I loved watching its life. There is something about life, for me, in that particular rabbit. I cant even really figure it out. I just wanted to be close to it, and watch it live its life.....enjoy life, and learn about life. I have learned so much about LIFE through children, and animals. And when something befalls my little ones in whom I watch life through, it hurts........I wonder if God similarly looks at us this way.

I am glad I got to enjoy that rabbit the last 3 days....maybe I will, once again, learn more about LIFE than I bargained for.

Asking for Forgiveness?

2008-11-01T10:16:00.000-07:00

Ok. So, one day, amidst my fervor to seek out for myself my own "owned" biblical opinion, albeit through facts, ...I picked up my bible and looked up the word forgiveness in a concordance. I hate concordances.

Of course this search was deliberate, because I just dont make it a huge habit of picking up my concordance. I mean, its heavy, its all in REALLLLLY small print, and I never know where it is. I was miffed, at lots of people....mainly my husband (he always seems to be first on the list), my church, every christian talk show radio station, ....ok, allow me to simplify. I was mad at Gods people. Well not all of them. Of course not at YOU, Gods person who may be reading this here blog. ;) LOL. But I WAS mad at all the others. Why? Well because I felt, in my gut of guts (yeah, I have two) that this whole "ask-y for forgiveness" hoopla, which i always felt odd doing.....just wasnt in the cards. It was some made up story thingy. Ok.....NO.......it was this PLOY OF MANIPULATION used amongst Christians to place or deflect resonsibility onto the person they sought forgiveness from. Most often, without ever really TRULY being sorry.

Yes, this is only my *experience* that led me to this here worthy-of-being-checked-out-potential-new-belief. What I learn though, while going along, living life, to me often propells a feeling in my intuition (or more often, my rotting mind?)....sadly, I must admit my search through Mr. Concordance was probably somewhat fueled by wanting to be right. I mean, I wanted my shining moment. Bling, bling.

Well....you guessed it. (obviously.....i wouldnt post the other 24 words I looked up in the concordance and came back WRONG on......DUH, this is a public blog). I could not find proof in the bible that we are to ask others for forgiveness when we wrong them. Yeah yeah.......I found we are to ask God....I found we are to confess our wrongs to one another........and I found that we are TO forgive others. Emphasis always seemed on what *we* are supposed to do, out of strength. I concluded that it is not necessary for us to ask forgiveness from others. We are simply to (#1) admit wrong, (#2) do our part to be available to make amends, if the other person desires, and (#3) make restitution.

Interestingly enough, I dont hear many people admit clear, articulated wrongs (#1). I have heard many "I'm sowwwwweeeee" 's however. Usually blanket sowwees. I mean sorry's. Sometimes, the being available to make amends (#2), or be committed to do our part to work on the injured relationship, isnt laid out either. Often, or at least sometimes, it seems the offender will wait and feel out the offended/injured party, and then decide, pending the tone/type/wording of the response-whether they even want to attempt to make amends...or at least to what 'degree'. Finally, we come to the word restitution, which in biblical terms is probably understood and as researched out as thoroughly as all 16 moons on Jupiter. I dont see much restitution, today. But what I do see a lot of is is expected, pressured, instantaneous words of granted forgiveness asked for, all from an offended person who was just going about their good ol day when we, the OFFENDER, decided it was a honky-dory el perfecto time to mosey on into their life when we were good and ready (or is that humble, and compassionate?), only to turn around and point our newly 'sanitized' finger at the offended, citing out his sin of lack to exercise forgiveness....and blowing it up to volcanic proportions, while barely making mention of our original initiated wrongdoing.. I mean, we arent to bring up the past, so......it only makes complete sense! Right?? Right.

I myself have been hurt by this sort of storyline. I had spent years raging against being expected to forgive....but it wasnt reallly the 'forgiveness' I struggled with.....moreso to forgive under these circumstances. It didnt seem 'allowable' to possibly grant myself a few hours, days, or weeks to process through being asked to grant forgiveness...after all, we all have heard (repeatedly) the witness of Corrie Ten Boom who simply held out her hand in a micro-millisecond to forgive the man who aided in killing thousands of Jews, including Corrie's sister.....in WWII. I mean, if I didnt resemble Corrie Ten Boom, surely I was on the path to hell....somebody pass me the handbasket, please....if there is any room, that is....Second point.......I was expected to do the right thing and be back in a loving, harmonius relationship, immediately. I mean, tomorrow-who knows-I could be squashed by a hit-and-run driver, and plopped back into that handbasket, with no possible CHANCE of acting in a godly, sisterly manner! Lastly, need we even mention the word restitution? I mean, desiring restitution, or a payback, certainly must be inscribed somewhere in the satanic bible. Like peanut butter without the jelly, it just aint righteous. Right?? Right.

Um....could I suggest....wrong? I am only suggesting here. And merely recanting my experience....what Ive learned...what I think may be insightful with dealing with the tinged and dirtied members of the human race.....even me. Um, especially me?

When someone can put into thought out words what exact wrong or wrongs they have committed (#1), it shows me they have pondered. They have considered. They have been made aware. They have tried. When someone shows me they arent seeking restored relationship (#2) just because it makes them look good, or so they can check it off their to-do list of their How-I-Cleaned-My-Slate-Today christian character workbook....it has the propensity to make me feel valued. Im thinking Love would have to be the primary motivator, peace....and a harmonius relationship, or at least making a continuation of that relationship easier to desire.... for the offended party. ??? Restitution (#3).....I mean can you imagine....Zaccheus....collector of taxes....coming up to me....a Jew....and giving me fourfold. Of what he unduly took. My friend Megan once borrowed my most favoritest maternity shirt. It was from a nice department store, nowhere I ever shopped.......except that hubby had been naughty and was trying to win me over so took me out to dinner and blew $70 on a new maternity outfit, $40 of it-on the prized shirt. It was soft, pinstriped, and matched the new jeans. AND...thanks to Megan, it was gone. Gone, I say. So much for being the good wittle Cwhristian gwirl. I shared, I lost. I think I even cried. I moaned. I had a momentary glimmer where I made suggestions to Megan about where in her house the shirt could have been misplaced. No matter that she had since moved twice. I needed my shirt. I was pregnant again, and poor. Surely she would.....do what I told her. *cough, cough*. I mean, make it right.....yeah, make it right. It took a few gasps from Megan at her husband (the acclaimed thrower-outter of all unnecessary items during their moves), words of desperation, denial, and finally acceptance. She had no shirt. She said she was sorry.

And, that was that. I think I eventually forgave her. I think it was 2 or 3 years later, right after I lied and told her I gave away all my maternity clothes, when she was withchild, the third time, and asked again because she needed some.

My husband scolded me. He got me in line real quick and told me how evil I was. Then I told God how evil I was. I once again became friends with Megan, for real. So, it all worked out, I guess. But, I wonder if this is what real 'amends' should look like.

What would it have looked like if Megan (whose husband now is the store manager of a Walmart....whoops, did I say that? in real live, semi-permanent chat ink?) showed up at my door, with 4 matenity shirts? Or better yet, a gift certificate for those 4 owed shirts.....so I could splurge it however my little heart desired ......okay, I am being fecetious. I really AM over the shirt. I mean, today, the local thrift shops make me appear fashion-model like, so I cannot whine and cry a poverty-stricken closet. I live in America. I am far from poor. But I can see, and fathom, how a desire to restitute would and could.....have the power to soften a hurting heart. I wonder what those Zaccheus offended, and stole from, thought? I wonder what they said! Maybe some archeological dig will supply us one day with their buried and dusty journals, but until then....I can only imagine for myself, as a member of the fallen human race, how that gesture would have made me feel.....how it would have made me think...how it would have moved my heart. How it would have livened God to me.

I mean, lets face it. Steal from someone you dont know and get caught....you are paying up, in more ways that one. Its jail time, plus full restitution...and court costs. Plow through a car tomorrow, and you are getting docked...as well as possibly paying a ticket, if it was your 'snafu'. But...in christian circles everywhere, we take each other for granted. We seem to put so much responsibility on those we offend, all while handling the whole enchilada of a mess....very wrong. We will expect strangers in our society to get right with us for any and all rightful claims we have against them....but we will literally snuff out the life....and discourage our own brothers and sisters....and, ourselves. God gives us elite status....we give each other.......leftovers. Dog mush.

I will forgive, but I admit not liking to be *asked* to do so. IMO........the offender can make it ALLLLL right on his or her side of the street without asking that little question. They can voice the wrong, make amends, and pay up. They dont need me to grant them forgiveness. I will no longer ask for forgiveness...not that I asked all that much in the first place.....but now at least I know why I dont. It never felt right. My experience didnt deem it right. Seeking it out in the bible only secures the forementioned....I think sometimes feelings and experiences CAN speak for themselves.

Recently, I got my BLING-Y moment. I was sitting in my husbands counselors office....and told him I ddint like when my husband asked me forgiveness, or when he said, "Sorry." I proceeded to explain why. He looked in the bible, having me turn to several passages. Nope, that there was God saying ask Him for forgiveness. Bling. Another passage. No, that one there was saying we are to forgive one another. Bling, bling. And another. Nah, that one says ......Blingety-bling. On and on we went, for an hour.........BLING. In confusion as to why these verses werent working, he picks up his cell to call his pastor. BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLINNNNNNGG. I am loving it, and he tells me so as to not waste more time, he will get back to me next week. That was 2 months ago. Im feeling SHINY.

One more thing. I have an admission. The only reason I came up with this whole prescription....was cause I was irritated that this practice was tried out on ME. It was not because I was convicted of *myself* practicing these actions. It was done to me, and I was angry, and could not process through my anger, in a sensible way. No matter what I did, I could not move forward; I was stuck. I wish I could say I was the offender, and learned from my crooked ways. But alas, I was the offended....and as I realized these things were done to me, it was only then that I could realize neither should I treat others this way, or put this expectation on them to grant vebal forgiveness to me if I should ask. Treat others the way we want to be treated.....I didnt like that treatment, and then as an afterthought, I realized I too have comitted this very same crime to others. Trying to be more self-aware.......the hardest thing in life. "It was done to me, but I do it too; it was done to me, but I do it too.............."etc. Luckily God uses those "it was done to me" times, to help us realize, we ourselves have committed these wrongdoings over.........and over....and even after penning this little post, I will yet be guilty in the future of falling short.

Id love to hear if you CAN indeed prove me biblically wrong. or, even, experience-wise. ;)

Anyone Ever Resort To Answering the "Random Question"?

2008-11-01T10:10:00.000-07:00

I did.

The Random Question:

Your people want to make a statue in your honor. What will it be made out of, and what will it commemorate? (Please keep in mind this 'question' took about 8 tries to get. I seriously DETER all onlookers from tackling a random question. I did, and had to alter my profile FIVE times just to get my darned answer to fit...).

The Mo-sey Answer:
A Hawk. I love watching Hawks. Right now it is migration period here in Pennsylvania, and I keep intending to take a solo ride up to Hawk Mountain Sanctuary, and hike up to the Lookout to envelope myself in serenity, peace and hope, as i watch the Hawks flyyyyyy on over me....Beings the family pass is $40 and I have 4 kids, one would think I should have made it up there BY NOW but that just is my self-directed anger talking. Buuut...other day I saw about 100 Hawks flying right over my house. I had never paid attention to catch so many flying together. Some flew with a mission; others took time to circle around their little hawk-eyed determined circles, swooping and enjoying. higher, and lower. Another time, as I was walking for like 2 hours, in my own head trying to process through stuff, and de-stress my mind and body (the ongoing quest in my life), I spotted an ant in the sky. Oh, no...wait..it was a Hawk. So, being all egocentric and all, I imagined that it certainly COULD be a momentarily possibility that I was the only human who actually saw that ant-size of a Hawk. I mean, I was squinting, HARD. it hurt my eyeballs. It hurt my neck too. It also made me feel kinda freaky that I was making my antsized Hawk observation all about ME....BUT I thought how awesome for God to show me that Hawk that day...just for me. as a gift. to let me know He regards me as special and sometimes, maybe just a few times in life, maybe more, He sets aside something He has created, just for my momentary pleasure or lesson. just for me.
I liken myself to the hawk in that I, too, am often on a purposeful mission. But lately, mostly, I find myself just circling, enjoying. going higher. going lower. and often going alone. because its fun. because its free. missions in life; my purposefulness is often ....thwarted anyway. i no longer feel guilt or shame for simply circling....i can do this alone, or with other hawks....but i know when i need to be with them, and when i am ok alone. and all without fear.

PS....Hawks are really coooool. I highly recommend watching a Hawk today. :)