Asking for Forgiveness?

Ok. So, one day, amidst my fervor to seek out for myself my own "owned" biblical opinion, albeit through facts, ...I picked up my bible and looked up the word forgiveness in a concordance. I hate concordances.

Of course this search was deliberate, because I just dont make it a huge habit of picking up my concordance. I mean, its heavy, its all in REALLLLLY small print, and I never know where it is. I was miffed, at lots of people....mainly my husband (he always seems to be first on the list), my church, every christian talk show radio station, ....ok, allow me to simplify. I was mad at Gods people. Well not all of them. Of course not at YOU, Gods person who may be reading this here blog. ;) LOL. But I WAS mad at all the others. Why? Well because I felt, in my gut of guts (yeah, I have two) that this whole "ask-y for forgiveness" hoopla, which i always felt odd doing.....just wasnt in the cards. It was some made up story thingy. Ok.....NO.......it was this PLOY OF MANIPULATION used amongst Christians to place or deflect resonsibility onto the person they sought forgiveness from. Most often, without ever really TRULY being sorry.

Yes, this is only my *experience* that led me to this here worthy-of-being-checked-out-potential-new-belief. What I learn though, while going along, living life, to me often propells a feeling in my intuition (or more often, my rotting mind?)....sadly, I must admit my search through Mr. Concordance was probably somewhat fueled by wanting to be right. I mean, I wanted my shining moment. Bling, bling.

Well....you guessed it. (obviously.....i wouldnt post the other 24 words I looked up in the concordance and came back WRONG on......DUH, this is a public blog). I could not find proof in the bible that we are to ask others for forgiveness when we wrong them. Yeah yeah.......I found we are to ask God....I found we are to confess our wrongs to one another........and I found that we are TO forgive others. Emphasis always seemed on what *we* are supposed to do, out of strength. I concluded that it is not necessary for us to ask forgiveness from others. We are simply to (#1) admit wrong, (#2) do our part to be available to make amends, if the other person desires, and (#3) make restitution.

Interestingly enough, I dont hear many people admit clear, articulated wrongs (#1). I have heard many "I'm sowwwwweeeee" 's however. Usually blanket sowwees. I mean sorry's. Sometimes, the being available to make amends (#2), or be committed to do our part to work on the injured relationship, isnt laid out either. Often, or at least sometimes, it seems the offender will wait and feel out the offended/injured party, and then decide, pending the tone/type/wording of the response-whether they even want to attempt to make amends...or at least to what 'degree'. Finally, we come to the word restitution, which in biblical terms is probably understood and as researched out as thoroughly as all 16 moons on Jupiter. I dont see much restitution, today. But what I do see a lot of is is expected, pressured, instantaneous words of granted forgiveness asked for, all from an offended person who was just going about their good ol day when we, the OFFENDER, decided it was a honky-dory el perfecto time to mosey on into their life when we were good and ready (or is that humble, and compassionate?), only to turn around and point our newly 'sanitized' finger at the offended, citing out his sin of lack to exercise forgiveness....and blowing it up to volcanic proportions, while barely making mention of our original initiated wrongdoing.. I mean, we arent to bring up the past, so......it only makes complete sense! Right?? Right.

I myself have been hurt by this sort of storyline. I had spent years raging against being expected to forgive....but it wasnt reallly the 'forgiveness' I struggled with.....moreso to forgive under these circumstances. It didnt seem 'allowable' to possibly grant myself a few hours, days, or weeks to process through being asked to grant forgiveness...after all, we all have heard (repeatedly) the witness of Corrie Ten Boom who simply held out her hand in a micro-millisecond to forgive the man who aided in killing thousands of Jews, including Corrie's sister.....in WWII. I mean, if I didnt resemble Corrie Ten Boom, surely I was on the path to hell....somebody pass me the handbasket, please....if there is any room, that is....Second point.......I was expected to do the right thing and be back in a loving, harmonius relationship, immediately. I mean, tomorrow-who knows-I could be squashed by a hit-and-run driver, and plopped back into that handbasket, with no possible CHANCE of acting in a godly, sisterly manner! Lastly, need we even mention the word restitution? I mean, desiring restitution, or a payback, certainly must be inscribed somewhere in the satanic bible. Like peanut butter without the jelly, it just aint righteous. Right?? Right.

Um....could I suggest....wrong? I am only suggesting here. And merely recanting my experience....what Ive learned...what I think may be insightful with dealing with the tinged and dirtied members of the human race.....even me. Um, especially me?

When someone can put into thought out words what exact wrong or wrongs they have committed (#1), it shows me they have pondered. They have considered. They have been made aware. They have tried. When someone shows me they arent seeking restored relationship (#2) just because it makes them look good, or so they can check it off their to-do list of their How-I-Cleaned-My-Slate-Today christian character workbook....it has the propensity to make me feel valued. Im thinking Love would have to be the primary motivator, peace....and a harmonius relationship, or at least making a continuation of that relationship easier to desire.... for the offended party. ??? Restitution (#3).....I mean can you imagine....Zaccheus....collector of taxes....coming up to me....a Jew....and giving me fourfold. Of what he unduly took. My friend Megan once borrowed my most favoritest maternity shirt. It was from a nice department store, nowhere I ever shopped.......except that hubby had been naughty and was trying to win me over so took me out to dinner and blew $70 on a new maternity outfit, $40 of it-on the prized shirt. It was soft, pinstriped, and matched the new jeans. AND...thanks to Megan, it was gone. Gone, I say. So much for being the good wittle Cwhristian gwirl. I shared, I lost. I think I even cried. I moaned. I had a momentary glimmer where I made suggestions to Megan about where in her house the shirt could have been misplaced. No matter that she had since moved twice. I needed my shirt. I was pregnant again, and poor. Surely she would.....do what I told her. *cough, cough*. I mean, make it right.....yeah, make it right. It took a few gasps from Megan at her husband (the acclaimed thrower-outter of all unnecessary items during their moves), words of desperation, denial, and finally acceptance. She had no shirt. She said she was sorry.

And, that was that. I think I eventually forgave her. I think it was 2 or 3 years later, right after I lied and told her I gave away all my maternity clothes, when she was withchild, the third time, and asked again because she needed some.

My husband scolded me. He got me in line real quick and told me how evil I was. Then I told God how evil I was. I once again became friends with Megan, for real. So, it all worked out, I guess. But, I wonder if this is what real 'amends' should look like.

What would it have looked like if Megan (whose husband now is the store manager of a Walmart....whoops, did I say that? in real live, semi-permanent chat ink?) showed up at my door, with 4 matenity shirts? Or better yet, a gift certificate for those 4 owed shirts.....so I could splurge it however my little heart desired ......okay, I am being fecetious. I really AM over the shirt. I mean, today, the local thrift shops make me appear fashion-model like, so I cannot whine and cry a poverty-stricken closet. I live in America. I am far from poor. But I can see, and fathom, how a desire to restitute would and could.....have the power to soften a hurting heart. I wonder what those Zaccheus offended, and stole from, thought? I wonder what they said! Maybe some archeological dig will supply us one day with their buried and dusty journals, but until then....I can only imagine for myself, as a member of the fallen human race, how that gesture would have made me feel.....how it would have made me think...how it would have moved my heart. How it would have livened God to me.

I mean, lets face it. Steal from someone you dont know and get caught....you are paying up, in more ways that one. Its jail time, plus full restitution...and court costs. Plow through a car tomorrow, and you are getting docked...as well as possibly paying a ticket, if it was your 'snafu'. But...in christian circles everywhere, we take each other for granted. We seem to put so much responsibility on those we offend, all while handling the whole enchilada of a mess....very wrong. We will expect strangers in our society to get right with us for any and all rightful claims we have against them....but we will literally snuff out the life....and discourage our own brothers and sisters....and, ourselves. God gives us elite status....we give each other.......leftovers. Dog mush.

I will forgive, but I admit not liking to be *asked* to do so. IMO........the offender can make it ALLLLL right on his or her side of the street without asking that little question. They can voice the wrong, make amends, and pay up. They dont need me to grant them forgiveness. I will no longer ask for forgiveness...not that I asked all that much in the first place.....but now at least I know why I dont. It never felt right. My experience didnt deem it right. Seeking it out in the bible only secures the forementioned....I think sometimes feelings and experiences CAN speak for themselves.

Recently, I got my BLING-Y moment. I was sitting in my husbands counselors office....and told him I ddint like when my husband asked me forgiveness, or when he said, "Sorry." I proceeded to explain why. He looked in the bible, having me turn to several passages. Nope, that there was God saying ask Him for forgiveness. Bling. Another passage. No, that one there was saying we are to forgive one another. Bling, bling. And another. Nah, that one says ......Blingety-bling. On and on we went, for an hour.........BLING. In confusion as to why these verses werent working, he picks up his cell to call his pastor. BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLINNNNNNGG. I am loving it, and he tells me so as to not waste more time, he will get back to me next week. That was 2 months ago. Im feeling SHINY.

One more thing. I have an admission. The only reason I came up with this whole prescription....was cause I was irritated that this practice was tried out on ME. It was not because I was convicted of *myself* practicing these actions. It was done to me, and I was angry, and could not process through my anger, in a sensible way. No matter what I did, I could not move forward; I was stuck. I wish I could say I was the offender, and learned from my crooked ways. But alas, I was the offended....and as I realized these things were done to me, it was only then that I could realize neither should I treat others this way, or put this expectation on them to grant vebal forgiveness to me if I should ask. Treat others the way we want to be treated.....I didnt like that treatment, and then as an afterthought, I realized I too have comitted this very same crime to others. Trying to be more self-aware.......the hardest thing in life. "It was done to me, but I do it too; it was done to me, but I do it too.............."etc. Luckily God uses those "it was done to me" times, to help us realize, we ourselves have committed these wrongdoings over.........and over....and even after penning this little post, I will yet be guilty in the future of falling short.

Id love to hear if you CAN indeed prove me biblically wrong. or, even, experience-wise. ;)