Disposable.

It is one of the feelings I have that is most painful. Being disposable.

I know that I am not truly disposable, In Gods eyes, and in the end, that is really all that matters. Actually, for today, this moment, that is all that matters. But, sigh......

We must live with people in this world, and it really helps to have good relationships. It is a gift. A reward. A blessing.

Often, in the past year, ive encountered rejection. Ive encountered abandonment. But the word 'disposable'....seems to better encompass what I really feel. Sometiems people abandon us, by no fault of their own....its just that they have their own issues and need to sort those out. Sometimes we feel abandoned, yet the person had no intention to cause us feelings of abandonment-yet due to old residual issues, we associate our feelings of abandonment WITH a certains persons actions' toward us. Disposable.infers otherwise. It sends a message...."I dont need you" "I dont want you" " I dont care" or even just silence, and ultimately, forgetting. Just forgetting you exist.

To me, that is the worst pain of all. Being forgotten. Not a thought about you. Not a concern for you. The history of the relationship, matters not. The memories, wiped from the vault of their mind. Just G O N E .....gone. Saying goodbye, or not even saying goodbye....essentially saying, "It doesnt bother me to not know you anymore".

While in my head I know God never will dispose of me, living with people who DO do this, does make it difficult to know and trust God, for me. I mean, I BELIEVE him, but the feelings still come. They cause pain; deep inner turmoil. God desired to show his love THROUGH people....and when we dont do that, it appears we misrepresent the true face of God, to the world. How serious this is, when I truly sit still and ponder on it.

Maybe seeing how God doesnt work, helps us understand better how he DOES work. Maybe the state of disposability, to others, is a paradox to God....drawing a picture of what He is not, so when we do see or sense him in another, we recognize it. And feel prized.

Dealing With Feelings....

Today, at some point in the day, I found myself feeling rather melancholy. Somewhat depressed.

In The Olden Days, I would have reasoned with myself. I would have prayed hard, for the depression to go away. I would have grabbed my Blessing Book and forced myself to think of the many blessings I have, this very day. I would have strategically pulled out bible verses to combat my depression.

In The Newer Days, I dont do that. It didnt seem to help anyway, other than sharing my grief with God. Today, I try to remain open. I think a bit about why I might feel depressed, but if I come up with nada, I move on with my day. I dont feel guilty about feeling yucky. I dont chatise myself. The only thing I really do, proactively, sometimes, is rehearse in my head the things I am grateful I have. The feelings usually remain and need to run their course, so I no longer deny them that space inside me. I do *try* to not act out on them though, especially with anger. Depression.....ah, I dont care much if my kids see me depressed. Its life. A day here or there wont kill them, or drive them away from God. Mostly, I just sit still with the feeling. I dont encourage it, but neither do I detest it, or fight it.

Fighting it, anymore, seems to simply be to ACCEPT it. That *IS* the fight. Just letting it be. At least for me, today, as I know it.

Is experience truth?

Is it?

I believe that indeed, it is a component of truth. In the last few years, I have been on a journey, and have made several observations....many including the fact that my old love of fundamentalism, does not give much room for life experience. It is not often allowed to be encompassed in Absolute Truth.

This doesnt really jive with life. Not my life anyway. Life experience *is* reality. It *is* happening. You live, you learn. You go through problems and issues your whole life long. My experience, being a daughter of a creator.....is a huge deal. If my life up until Ive lived in today has no basis in truth, then what is it? What was the point?

I think there is a lot of fear, that if 'experience' is made to count toward TRUTH, that somehow we will let TRUTH be rewritten. Or watered down. Contaminated.

I feel the opposite. I think when experience is eliminated completely from truth...it is no longer alive. God chose to reveal the truth, today, through people. People, who live lives. People who have personalities. People who have quirks. Sicknesses. Trials. Devastations. Idiosyncrasies. People of differing cultural, behavioral, and familial backround. Diversity.

I am not elevating experience to truth. I am merely musing that experience, the human experience, the manifestation of truth being expressed and lived out through human beings, matters. To completely separate any experience from truth, makes truth now false.

This is only my opinion....always re-thinking things and reorganizing my boundaries on these subjects; ever growing ....