And you should too. Just TRUST me. :)
About 2 years ago I was introduced to The Enneagram. Unlike other personality 'tests', it is fluid and all-encompassing of you as a person. Imagine a rainbow, with differing hues....your personality, mind, heart, gut, passions, etc......stretching out like an amoeba, in the Big Circle (no, Im not New Age..lol). When you are doing healthy, you the amoeba moves this-a-way; when unhealthy it moves that-a-way. As you grow and mature, you the amoeba moves again. You are constantly changing. You dont stay the same, and if you do, quite likely you are dead, in a mental hospital, or stagnant and lifeless.
The Enneagram is a spiritual tool from a looooong time ago. I am not 100% clear on the history, and there are differing opinions on the matter so Im going to gloss over that for now. I am studying it though.
What I can say is the weaknesses or portions of my personality that others have often scruntinized, judged, or otherwise frowned upon, now sit AOK with me. The Enneagram validated much for me. I am not longer ashamed of my personality or quirks, or even my passionate or sensual side. In short, understanding myself with the tool of The Enneagram, has healed me, and is aiding me in overcoming. I suppose my brain needed something concrete to bridge about who God says I am, with the everyday actualness of what I see in myself.
I am not very good at describing the point I desire to impress upon you about how completely nifty The Enneagram is. But, Id like to include a FREE link to take the test to see what "type" you are....there will be a description afterward about your type. Once you know your type you can google that and find even more info, depthwise, on yoru type. Just remember no 'type' fits into a box. We all have a little bit of the 9 types within us, though one usually dominates and therein you can someitmes locate your underlying strugglesome areas. And not feel *guilty* about that knowledge, but ENCOURAGED. (the second shorter test on this page is fun, too. It helps you figure out your instinctual type, within your number type. "sexual' does not mean sexual here; it is moreso how you relate to others and yourself. It doesnt mean you are a harlot or gigolo at heart....lol!)
http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test.php
Oh, how I *heart* the Enneagram.
In one of my future posts, after a few have taken the test, I will put up my type, and yak on about what knowing this has done for me. :)
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The Full Version of the Serenity Prayer
God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking,
as He did,
this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
Attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr
God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.
Taking,
as He did,
this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with Him forever in the next.
Amen.
Attributed to Reinhold Neibuhr
Sunday, March 1, 2009
We Are In A Recession
We are in a recession. I guess when countries are in a recession........the people can be seen at the malls, liquor store, nail salons, bars, car lots, furniture stores, and movie rental places.
And those of us that never frequented those places in the first place, probably dont even realize we are in a recession.
And those of us that never frequented those places in the first place, probably dont even realize we are in a recession.
Carrying One Another's Burdens
Excuse me whilst I rant on about my dismal assessment of todays Church. Someone once told me I better be careful when speaking of Christ's Bride....so maybe I should say what I am really trying to understand here, is how is the institution of the church carrying its brothers and sisters burdens?
Maybe the problem, is we depend too much on that aspect of the church that seems, well..institutionalized.
Taking a break form church, and even the Bible (I'll call it FASTING)....due to toxic religion I became infected with.....really aided me in being able to just sit, examine myself.....and observe. Observe the world. Observe people. Observe myself. And meditate on such things.
Right now, my husband is on like his 40th leg of overcoming an issue in his life. He has climbed, fell down, climbed, fell down.......and so on, and so on. People get tired of others falling down so much. Its a nuisance, its dirty, and well, sometimes when you try to pick them up....it hurts, and breaks your back a little, too. Ive often encountered people who pick others up. Then the hurting soul is left to wobble. Or, sometimes a guide will stand close by to help that person when they begin to wobble, or get topsy-turvy. Once, in my husbands life, he had a man do this for like 6 months, DAILY. What a sacrifice that man made. I am not saying others who give portions of help arent really fulfilling their christian duty....sometimes there are seasons for people, or reasons higher than understanding...as to why someone cannot help. Understood. But in general, I see so many 'programs' and 'classes' at church. Do they truly help people? In my life, or at least my geographical location, I have not seen programs to be such a great help in carry one anothers burdens.
I recently began attending a Moravian church up the road from me. It is everything i was originally taught (in my Old Life ....aka..toxic religion) is essentially as close to heathen as Judas. Woman preacher, contemporary music, fundraisers, one service a week....blah blah blah. I end up loving the community. Wow. Ive missed out on so much...and what Big Arms God has. I really dont care so much about the this-n-thats of their doctrine, cqause Ive never met any two people in thw world who share the same tedious doctrine anyway. I just go, sing, listen, sit, and sing some more. The only new question I have for any assembly of believers to see if their *institution* will be worthy to me, or I to it....is this: Does it draw me close to God, and keep doing so? Yeah, thats my only prenuptual agreement. Im easy. Well, Im easy NOW.
So, I told myself....no bible studies. No offerings. No commitments. No membership. Im not even reading their doctrine. I dont care. I really dont. I am just going to sit still, and breathe it all in. So far, my breathing is going beautifully well. Its refreshing. *I* am being refreshed. Cleansed. Healed. Healed, and doing nothing. What a concept.
Ok. I lied. There is another prerequisite. Do they tangibly help people? Do they care? Do they seek to touch others lives in a very REAL way? Do they love AS they love themselves, or just a little bit lower than themselves? Do they hold 3 bible studies a week, but not know how to hold someone accountable? Do they hold the business meeting in a timely, orderly fashion, but dont know how to help the porn addict? Do they serve the luncheons effortlessly, but not know how to invite and become intimate with other human beings? Do they work the nursery faithfully, but not know how to suffer with those who suffer?
I feel like I sound cruel. And Judgmental. Maybe I am. It just bothers me that I dont see so much 'sticking necks out for each other' as I do attendance for the latest and greatest bible/book study.
Maybe my husband needed to be abandoned. Maybe he needs to be alone for awhile, I dont know. I just know that it is sad when I see so many oppressed, broken, wounded, hurting people who have NO ONE coming alongside them. Today in church, as many other weeks, I hear the prayer requests of every illness, virus, cancer, and blow of the nose out there. No one requested prayer for emotional issues. Behavioral issues. Loneliness. Lostness. Damaged self-worth. A bad relationship. NOTHING. Im not minimizing sickness. I just would hope to hear someones true inner pain. The pain in the heart....crying out for that person to 'come alongside.....'.
So, Im not joining any groups. I find there is way too much overhead and leading...and I lose my authentic callings from God. Too many assigned things to do at church., leaves me no room for the spontaneous trials that God so readily brings to my life. So, I help people as they cross my path. I try my best to be open. Im sure, somehwere, out there, someone has gripes against me not helping them, not being there. Ive failed. I really have. Im still failing. I just want it to get better. So....money......its going stright to the people I think who need it. That *is* my offering. I listen to people. I help them with things. I have friends who are Christian and who arent...I have aquaintances who are and who arent. So I figure Im reaching out to the world, and still serving The Church.
This post is all over the place. Ill just close with, its great to have gotten to somewhat of a place where I just want to be there for people. Even if gthey are not there for me. Its ok. But I wont waste any more time in activities that dont directly and tangibly help people with their most needy needs. Isnt that why God came here?
Maybe the problem, is we depend too much on that aspect of the church that seems, well..institutionalized.
Taking a break form church, and even the Bible (I'll call it FASTING)....due to toxic religion I became infected with.....really aided me in being able to just sit, examine myself.....and observe. Observe the world. Observe people. Observe myself. And meditate on such things.
Right now, my husband is on like his 40th leg of overcoming an issue in his life. He has climbed, fell down, climbed, fell down.......and so on, and so on. People get tired of others falling down so much. Its a nuisance, its dirty, and well, sometimes when you try to pick them up....it hurts, and breaks your back a little, too. Ive often encountered people who pick others up. Then the hurting soul is left to wobble. Or, sometimes a guide will stand close by to help that person when they begin to wobble, or get topsy-turvy. Once, in my husbands life, he had a man do this for like 6 months, DAILY. What a sacrifice that man made. I am not saying others who give portions of help arent really fulfilling their christian duty....sometimes there are seasons for people, or reasons higher than understanding...as to why someone cannot help. Understood. But in general, I see so many 'programs' and 'classes' at church. Do they truly help people? In my life, or at least my geographical location, I have not seen programs to be such a great help in carry one anothers burdens.
I recently began attending a Moravian church up the road from me. It is everything i was originally taught (in my Old Life ....aka..toxic religion) is essentially as close to heathen as Judas. Woman preacher, contemporary music, fundraisers, one service a week....blah blah blah. I end up loving the community. Wow. Ive missed out on so much...and what Big Arms God has. I really dont care so much about the this-n-thats of their doctrine, cqause Ive never met any two people in thw world who share the same tedious doctrine anyway. I just go, sing, listen, sit, and sing some more. The only new question I have for any assembly of believers to see if their *institution* will be worthy to me, or I to it....is this: Does it draw me close to God, and keep doing so? Yeah, thats my only prenuptual agreement. Im easy. Well, Im easy NOW.
So, I told myself....no bible studies. No offerings. No commitments. No membership. Im not even reading their doctrine. I dont care. I really dont. I am just going to sit still, and breathe it all in. So far, my breathing is going beautifully well. Its refreshing. *I* am being refreshed. Cleansed. Healed. Healed, and doing nothing. What a concept.
Ok. I lied. There is another prerequisite. Do they tangibly help people? Do they care? Do they seek to touch others lives in a very REAL way? Do they love AS they love themselves, or just a little bit lower than themselves? Do they hold 3 bible studies a week, but not know how to hold someone accountable? Do they hold the business meeting in a timely, orderly fashion, but dont know how to help the porn addict? Do they serve the luncheons effortlessly, but not know how to invite and become intimate with other human beings? Do they work the nursery faithfully, but not know how to suffer with those who suffer?
I feel like I sound cruel. And Judgmental. Maybe I am. It just bothers me that I dont see so much 'sticking necks out for each other' as I do attendance for the latest and greatest bible/book study.
Maybe my husband needed to be abandoned. Maybe he needs to be alone for awhile, I dont know. I just know that it is sad when I see so many oppressed, broken, wounded, hurting people who have NO ONE coming alongside them. Today in church, as many other weeks, I hear the prayer requests of every illness, virus, cancer, and blow of the nose out there. No one requested prayer for emotional issues. Behavioral issues. Loneliness. Lostness. Damaged self-worth. A bad relationship. NOTHING. Im not minimizing sickness. I just would hope to hear someones true inner pain. The pain in the heart....crying out for that person to 'come alongside.....'.
So, Im not joining any groups. I find there is way too much overhead and leading...and I lose my authentic callings from God. Too many assigned things to do at church., leaves me no room for the spontaneous trials that God so readily brings to my life. So, I help people as they cross my path. I try my best to be open. Im sure, somehwere, out there, someone has gripes against me not helping them, not being there. Ive failed. I really have. Im still failing. I just want it to get better. So....money......its going stright to the people I think who need it. That *is* my offering. I listen to people. I help them with things. I have friends who are Christian and who arent...I have aquaintances who are and who arent. So I figure Im reaching out to the world, and still serving The Church.
This post is all over the place. Ill just close with, its great to have gotten to somewhat of a place where I just want to be there for people. Even if gthey are not there for me. Its ok. But I wont waste any more time in activities that dont directly and tangibly help people with their most needy needs. Isnt that why God came here?
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Disposable.
It is one of the feelings I have that is most painful. Being disposable.
I know that I am not truly disposable, In Gods eyes, and in the end, that is really all that matters. Actually, for today, this moment, that is all that matters. But, sigh......
We must live with people in this world, and it really helps to have good relationships. It is a gift. A reward. A blessing.
Often, in the past year, ive encountered rejection. Ive encountered abandonment. But the word 'disposable'....seems to better encompass what I really feel. Sometiems people abandon us, by no fault of their own....its just that they have their own issues and need to sort those out. Sometimes we feel abandoned, yet the person had no intention to cause us feelings of abandonment-yet due to old residual issues, we associate our feelings of abandonment WITH a certains persons actions' toward us. Disposable.infers otherwise. It sends a message...."I dont need you" "I dont want you" " I dont care" or even just silence, and ultimately, forgetting. Just forgetting you exist.
To me, that is the worst pain of all. Being forgotten. Not a thought about you. Not a concern for you. The history of the relationship, matters not. The memories, wiped from the vault of their mind. Just G O N E .....gone. Saying goodbye, or not even saying goodbye....essentially saying, "It doesnt bother me to not know you anymore".
While in my head I know God never will dispose of me, living with people who DO do this, does make it difficult to know and trust God, for me. I mean, I BELIEVE him, but the feelings still come. They cause pain; deep inner turmoil. God desired to show his love THROUGH people....and when we dont do that, it appears we misrepresent the true face of God, to the world. How serious this is, when I truly sit still and ponder on it.
Maybe seeing how God doesnt work, helps us understand better how he DOES work. Maybe the state of disposability, to others, is a paradox to God....drawing a picture of what He is not, so when we do see or sense him in another, we recognize it. And feel prized.
I know that I am not truly disposable, In Gods eyes, and in the end, that is really all that matters. Actually, for today, this moment, that is all that matters. But, sigh......
We must live with people in this world, and it really helps to have good relationships. It is a gift. A reward. A blessing.
Often, in the past year, ive encountered rejection. Ive encountered abandonment. But the word 'disposable'....seems to better encompass what I really feel. Sometiems people abandon us, by no fault of their own....its just that they have their own issues and need to sort those out. Sometimes we feel abandoned, yet the person had no intention to cause us feelings of abandonment-yet due to old residual issues, we associate our feelings of abandonment WITH a certains persons actions' toward us. Disposable.infers otherwise. It sends a message...."I dont need you" "I dont want you" " I dont care" or even just silence, and ultimately, forgetting. Just forgetting you exist.
To me, that is the worst pain of all. Being forgotten. Not a thought about you. Not a concern for you. The history of the relationship, matters not. The memories, wiped from the vault of their mind. Just G O N E .....gone. Saying goodbye, or not even saying goodbye....essentially saying, "It doesnt bother me to not know you anymore".
While in my head I know God never will dispose of me, living with people who DO do this, does make it difficult to know and trust God, for me. I mean, I BELIEVE him, but the feelings still come. They cause pain; deep inner turmoil. God desired to show his love THROUGH people....and when we dont do that, it appears we misrepresent the true face of God, to the world. How serious this is, when I truly sit still and ponder on it.
Maybe seeing how God doesnt work, helps us understand better how he DOES work. Maybe the state of disposability, to others, is a paradox to God....drawing a picture of what He is not, so when we do see or sense him in another, we recognize it. And feel prized.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Dealing With Feelings....
Today, at some point in the day, I found myself feeling rather melancholy. Somewhat depressed.
In The Olden Days, I would have reasoned with myself. I would have prayed hard, for the depression to go away. I would have grabbed my Blessing Book and forced myself to think of the many blessings I have, this very day. I would have strategically pulled out bible verses to combat my depression.
In The Newer Days, I dont do that. It didnt seem to help anyway, other than sharing my grief with God. Today, I try to remain open. I think a bit about why I might feel depressed, but if I come up with nada, I move on with my day. I dont feel guilty about feeling yucky. I dont chatise myself. The only thing I really do, proactively, sometimes, is rehearse in my head the things I am grateful I have. The feelings usually remain and need to run their course, so I no longer deny them that space inside me. I do *try* to not act out on them though, especially with anger. Depression.....ah, I dont care much if my kids see me depressed. Its life. A day here or there wont kill them, or drive them away from God. Mostly, I just sit still with the feeling. I dont encourage it, but neither do I detest it, or fight it.
Fighting it, anymore, seems to simply be to ACCEPT it. That *IS* the fight. Just letting it be. At least for me, today, as I know it.
In The Olden Days, I would have reasoned with myself. I would have prayed hard, for the depression to go away. I would have grabbed my Blessing Book and forced myself to think of the many blessings I have, this very day. I would have strategically pulled out bible verses to combat my depression.
In The Newer Days, I dont do that. It didnt seem to help anyway, other than sharing my grief with God. Today, I try to remain open. I think a bit about why I might feel depressed, but if I come up with nada, I move on with my day. I dont feel guilty about feeling yucky. I dont chatise myself. The only thing I really do, proactively, sometimes, is rehearse in my head the things I am grateful I have. The feelings usually remain and need to run their course, so I no longer deny them that space inside me. I do *try* to not act out on them though, especially with anger. Depression.....ah, I dont care much if my kids see me depressed. Its life. A day here or there wont kill them, or drive them away from God. Mostly, I just sit still with the feeling. I dont encourage it, but neither do I detest it, or fight it.
Fighting it, anymore, seems to simply be to ACCEPT it. That *IS* the fight. Just letting it be. At least for me, today, as I know it.
Is experience truth?
Is it?
I believe that indeed, it is a component of truth. In the last few years, I have been on a journey, and have made several observations....many including the fact that my old love of fundamentalism, does not give much room for life experience. It is not often allowed to be encompassed in Absolute Truth.
This doesnt really jive with life. Not my life anyway. Life experience *is* reality. It *is* happening. You live, you learn. You go through problems and issues your whole life long. My experience, being a daughter of a creator.....is a huge deal. If my life up until Ive lived in today has no basis in truth, then what is it? What was the point?
I think there is a lot of fear, that if 'experience' is made to count toward TRUTH, that somehow we will let TRUTH be rewritten. Or watered down. Contaminated.
I feel the opposite. I think when experience is eliminated completely from truth...it is no longer alive. God chose to reveal the truth, today, through people. People, who live lives. People who have personalities. People who have quirks. Sicknesses. Trials. Devastations. Idiosyncrasies. People of differing cultural, behavioral, and familial backround. Diversity.
I am not elevating experience to truth. I am merely musing that experience, the human experience, the manifestation of truth being expressed and lived out through human beings, matters. To completely separate any experience from truth, makes truth now false.
This is only my opinion....always re-thinking things and reorganizing my boundaries on these subjects; ever growing ....
I believe that indeed, it is a component of truth. In the last few years, I have been on a journey, and have made several observations....many including the fact that my old love of fundamentalism, does not give much room for life experience. It is not often allowed to be encompassed in Absolute Truth.
This doesnt really jive with life. Not my life anyway. Life experience *is* reality. It *is* happening. You live, you learn. You go through problems and issues your whole life long. My experience, being a daughter of a creator.....is a huge deal. If my life up until Ive lived in today has no basis in truth, then what is it? What was the point?
I think there is a lot of fear, that if 'experience' is made to count toward TRUTH, that somehow we will let TRUTH be rewritten. Or watered down. Contaminated.
I feel the opposite. I think when experience is eliminated completely from truth...it is no longer alive. God chose to reveal the truth, today, through people. People, who live lives. People who have personalities. People who have quirks. Sicknesses. Trials. Devastations. Idiosyncrasies. People of differing cultural, behavioral, and familial backround. Diversity.
I am not elevating experience to truth. I am merely musing that experience, the human experience, the manifestation of truth being expressed and lived out through human beings, matters. To completely separate any experience from truth, makes truth now false.
This is only my opinion....always re-thinking things and reorganizing my boundaries on these subjects; ever growing ....
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